This is a very simple question with many answers of varying interpretations, depending on who is responding
However, to me, a father is not just a man who has biological children. Anyone who plays the role of a father to a community of children, either as a teacher in any setting, sports coach, counselor, priest, case manager, caregiver, and/or in a mentoring program for children, is a father.
When we consider these roles above, we can all agree that fatherhood is not an easy job; it requires a tough mindset, an unquestionable character in conduct, enduring spirit of forgiveness and acceptance, flexibility in thought and actions, and inclusiveness in decision-making, both within and outside our immediate family environments, and the willingness to acknowledge and accept the limitation of our abilities.
Fathers are expected to lead the way as heads of their households and decision-makers in their immediate and extended communities; society and the bible have placed such leadership roles on fathers that, sometimes, failure is not expected to be an option. However, fathers are not Gods; so, most times, we do not get it right. Sometimes, persuaded by circumstances, or overwhelmed by them, we embrace alternative truths and ideologies completely inimical to out biblical and spiritual leanings and beliefs.
Like mothers, fathers do have emotions, we love our children and work hard to provide for our families; we feel hurt when offended, disappointed when our plans do not work out, bitter when disappointed, regretful of certain of our conducts, and appreciative when goals and desires are met. However, unlike mothers, we express these different emotions and actions in drastically different ways. This, sometimes, leads our children to believe that we do not love them; this is far from the truth. We do love our children, we do love our wives, we do love our families, and we do wish the best for the societies we live in.
Now, to my fellow fathers, I must say this:
The tasks assigned to our role as fathers by God and society are only as heinous as our perception and interpretation of those tasks. God never asked us to carry the world on our shoulders like the imaginary Atlas; if He did, He would not have said;
“come to me, all ye that labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest”
What compounds our problems as fathers is our insatiable desire to be what God did not assign us to be. We want to be like Michael Jordan, Elan Musk, Tiger Woods, Jerry Jones, Jeff Bezos, and everyone else, except who God wants us to be. We want to be a Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer, Pharmacist, teacher, Nurse, Postman, etc.; only you! Not because we are able and capable, but because someone else is, and we are envious and jealous of that person and their earthly possessions and their acquired titles. We waste time and resources chasing hallucinations misinterpreted as visions. When we fail, we wallow in self-pity and spread contagious misery around our environment. Most times, even when we succeed in these pursuits, we still end up worse than we were before we started. Meantime, our marriages and relationships suffer, we are avoided by our children, and abandon our roles as fathers in our families, leaders in our churches and communities.
Did God send you? Was that pursuit your destiny in life?
Yes, men must provide for their families, as instructed by the bible and expected by society; but we cannot do so to the detriment of the families we are supposed to provide for.
There are many ways we can play our roles as fathers in our families and societies, including providing for our families, and having money is much lower on the scale of things, regardless of what our wives may think.
I am not against men being ambitious; but my concern is at what opportunity cost?
I believe, it was in Ecclesiastes 9:10 that it said:
“Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might, for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom in the grave whither thou goest.”
I am asking all fathers the same question today; what do you have in your hand? What skills do you possess? We all have, at least one. If we develop our God-given skills to the best of our abilities, we can provide for our families. Instead of laboring alone, we must identify and pull our internal (wives and children) and external (friends and siblings) resources together to achieve our goals in life as fathers. We should never feel that we must do it alone.
We must be willing to recognize and accept our limitations and shortcomings; acknowledge the things that are beyond our abilities and knowledge; ask for assistance from those who know better and are willing to help. We must not be ashamed to say
“I am tired”.
Everyone gets tired at some point. We must learn to do the best we can and leave the rest to God. When we do this, we live a longer, healthier, and happier lives. Fathers who recognize their limitations in life can re-access, regroup and re-strategize.
There is no such person as a failure in life, even though friends and family members – even spouses – may brand you such.; what often happens is a failure to recognize that our chosen pathway does not lead to success. What do you do? Regroup, re-strategize, relaunch. Real fathers who encounter adversity do not wallow in self-pity, evidenced by drunken idleness, perpetual frustration, permanent frown on the face, and constantly exhaling plumes of cigarette smoke from their nostrils. Instead, they pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and keep moving. After all, in every life, a little rain must fall.
Let your children see you try…
Let your spouse see you try….
Let society see you try….
Let you see you try …
At least, you owe yourself that much.
Our Behaviors
As fathers, we are not just fathers to our children alone, but fathers to every child out there. So, our behavior wherever we find ourselves must be above reproach. Will that be easy? Absolutely not. Will there be temptations along the way; doubts as to our abilities; feelings of being overwhelmed by this role foisted on us by nature? The answer is a resounding yes to all of these. However, if we must fail in our roles and responsibilities as fathers, let it not be for lack of trying.
We get it wrong when we think or convince ourselves that our behavior in our household should be different from what we exhibit outside. No! The audience is the same, so the behavior cannot be any different. We cannot be cruel, mean, and unloving in our family environment and be kind, loving, and affectionate outside. Who should we impress most? The outside audience or our immediate families who will be our first line of defense?
When you are a father, either by status, profession or community service, you are elevated to a certain status in society which requires a change of behavior, not only in terms of conduct, choice of language, but even in association; this we cannot escape from. Once we step into that role, we cannot go back; because, once you are perceived as a father, you have become a role model. – (example – soccer coach)
So, who is a father?
A father is that man who is always thinking of the best for his family.
That man who prays for the life, good health and success of his children
That man who guides, instructs, directs, and preaches on the right way to follow in life
That man who cries in private, while manning up in public.
That man who will weather abuse, derision, and insult on behalf of his family.
That man who is not too proud to play the hand he is dealt with by circumstances.
That man who understands what society expects of him and tried to live by it
That man who tries to be the best that he can in whatever he does
That man who often takes it on the chin from within and outside his immediate family
That man who is often neglected by the same society he lays his life for.
To that man, single or married, I wish you a Happy Father’s Day!!
June 19, 2022
